One of the most wonderful gifts of a loving marriage is the ability to trust your mate. How important is trust in marriage? At the risk of stating the obvious; it’s absolutely critical. Mutual trust allows partners to feel safe with each other, deepens their love, and causes friendship and sexual intimacy to blossom. When trust is lacking in a marriage, suspicion and fear begin to dominate causing the relationship to feel very insecure.

What is trust? It’s the calm assurance that comes from knowing your partner can be counted on; the assurance that they have your best interest in mind, to have your back at all times and to be true to you physically, emotionally and spiritually. Trust creates safety, security and a deeper capacity to love.  Notice how the Bible speaks of trust. One of the Old Testament words for trust (batach) has a meaning of “confidence that causes one to care-less.” Think of it this way. When you trust your spouse, you feel safe and secure in the relationship and that sense of safety allows you to care-less concerning your partner. In other words, you don’t have to hide who you are or be self-protective; and you don’t have to be suspicious or fearful about your partner.

Consider how the absence of trust can cause incredible stress and strain on relationships. When couples lack trust they spend a large amount of time and emotional energy wondering what their partner is thinking or doing. If they have concerns about adultery or other forms of faithlessness, partners become suspicious, acting like private detectives looking for proof to either confirm or deny their feelings of insecurity. Routine conversations quickly turn into intense arguments. Decision making becomes exhausting. If he works late at night, is he meeting someone? If she goes out with her friends, what are they doing? If I check her phone, what would I find? Should I risk confrontation by checking out his story?

John Gottman in his book, What Makes Love Last, tells the story of “one man who suspected his wife of cheating so he put chalk marks on her rear tires before he left for work one morning. Later, when he discovered that the chalk marks were no longer visible, indicating the car wheels had turned, he asked whether she had left the house. Forgetting about her morning dash to the post office, she said no. This prompted a jealous rage, which put both of their stress levels into hyperdrive.”

In stark contrast, trust protects us from stress that can lead to harmful interactions because it frees us to live without knowing every minute detail concerning our partner; wondering where they are at, or what they are thinking or doing. When you trust, you don’t subject yourself to constant worry or anxiety. You don’t need to put chalk on the tires or spy on their whereabouts. Implicit trust frees you to invest in the relationship without fear. Strong marriages are built on solid trust. So how do partners develop and maintain this virtue in their relationship?

Put an End to Deception

Trust and truth go hand in hand. Our word is our bond. That is why deception of any sort is the biggest trust killer. There is no such thing as a white lie. Being honest with your spouse includes telling the truth about where you were, whom you talked to, what you said and where you spent money. Dishonesty is a serious form of betrayal that destroys trust. Many marriages have been saved because both spouses committed to being honest, even if it involved painful truths.

Address any past or present betrayals

When trust is broken the pathway for recovery must involve the couple’s willingness and commitment to work on each issue where betrayal has occurred, beginning with the most significant one(s). Understanding the events that led to a sense of betrayal is the first step to rebuilding trust.

A breach of trust can be extremely painful and the hurt from that experience can cause you to withdraw your heart and decide never to trust again. But don’t give up on your spouse. Be willing to give them a chance to re-earn your trust so that your marriage can be restored. God’s Word provides for us a pathway of reconciliation and restoration.

Remember, there must be more than mere apologies to reconcile a serious breach of trust. To rebuild trust the offending spouse will need to make some real changes that demonstrate they are trustworthy. Providing a thorough process of healing and accountability helps spouses make wise decisions toward learning to trust again.

Focus on building ‘heart trust’

Most people typically think of trust in terms of; keeping your word, going to work, bringing home the pay check, paying the bills, fixing things around the house, and not forgetting the wedding anniversary. Certainly being trustworthy in all of these areas is critical to building trust. However, it is also important for couples to learn how to build emotional trust in their relationship.

Doctors Archibald Hart and Sharon Hart Morris, in Safe Haven Marriage identify a key building block to establishing emotional safety in a marriage. They refer to this crucial ingredient as the ability to build “heart trust.” Heart trust is more than just being physically responsible; it’s being emotionally responsible. It’s the ability to care for your partner’s heart. It communicates to your spouse that despite all the fights and storms you may have had in your marriage and no matter what may happen between the two of you, you know that your spouse will always care for and value you. This is the deepest level of trust the human heart can give or receive. This is the ultimate emotional security. You are able to say to your partner, “I trust you with my heart.”

Discover the power of attunement

When there is heart trust in the marriage, partners grow to become emotionally available to each other. To be emotionally available means that you are able to turn your attention toward your wife or husband whenever he or she needs you.
When couples can understand and connect with each other at a deep level and lovingly express that knowledge to each other, real intimacy exists between them. John Gottman calls this ability ‘attunement.’ Attunement is more than practicing good communication skills like “active listening.” Rather, it’s a deep heart connection that is undergirded by true concern for each other born out of mutual respect and admiration.

While attunement may come natural for a few lucky couples, most of us find it to be challenging. The good news is, attunement is something that almost all of us can learn—or learn to strengthen. The most common stumbling block to attunement is a disparity in how each partner “feels about feelings,” especially negative ones. Too often we miss our partner’s bid or request for connection because it’s wrapped in anger or some other negative emotion causing us to become defensive. Learning to look beneath the negative emotion(s) and search for our partner’s desire for connection can create opportunities for deeper connection. Trust is powerful because it allows for both marriage partners to feel safe even when they are expressing negative emotions.

Bringing in the New Year is often the perfect time to turn a new page in your life, which is why so many people make New Year’s resolutions. According to some of the latest research, approximately 50% of the population makes resolutions each New Year. Some of the top ten resolutions for 2017 were weight loss, exercise, stop smoking, quit drinking, better money management, debt reduction, learn something new and enjoying life more. Spending more time with family, barely made the list at ninth, and marriage specifically, wasn’t mentioned at all. While the top ten are all noteworthy goals, wouldn’t it be great if something like, ‘How to Build a Stronger Marriage’ was number one? After all, shouldn’t our marriage relationship be first priority? What if husbands and wives made a New Year’s resolution in 2018 to be more committed and devoted to each other? Think of the benefits for each partner, the marriage and the family!

Now I realize that New Year’s resolutions have a history of being rather short-lived when it comes to follow through. Researchers have found that success rates of peoples’ resolutions usually look something like this: the first two weeks usually go along beautifully, but by February, people are backsliding and by the following December, most people are back where they started, often even further behind. Why do so many people struggle to keep their resolutions?  Too often the primary reason for resolution-dissolution is our goals are too lofty, which only sets us up for failure. It’s been proven that smaller, more realistic goals have a much better success rate. This is where I come in. Each month I plan to post an article on How to Build a Stronger Marriage, giving you realistic and attainable goals that can help improve your relationship with your spouse. So I hope you will follow along and we can take small steps together toward building a stronger marriage.

Where does it start? I believe it begins by making a renewed commitment to your partner.  The importance of commitment to success in love seems so obvious that you might assume mentioning it is a bit redundant. But many couples are unaware of how a lack of commitment is often at the root of many marital problems. So, let me begin by stating a very basic assumption about marriage:  Marriage was intended to be a deeply committed relationship.

To express how strong the marriage commitment should be, the Bible describes marriage as a covenant relationship. If you’re familiar with the Old King James version of Scripture, or just the traditional wedding vows, then you have heard the terms ‘leave and cleave’ used to describe the bond of commitment between the husband and wife. A man shall “leave” his father and mother and “cleave” to his wife… (Genesis 2:24). From the beginning God intended the marriage relationship to be most unique because of the commitment required. The Hebrew word for ‘cleave’ means: to cling, to hold fast together, to be joined together—to be glued or welded together. These terms are much more than just giving rhyme and rhythm to the wedding ceremony; they are the language of covenant; expressing the depth of connection intended in every aspect of the marriage.

Where does it start? I believe it begins by making a renewed commitment to respect, cherish and appreciate your partner.

Think of it this way: Marriage is a relationship that was never intended to be broken, which means, it’s not a consumer relationship. In other words, it’s not something you invest in as long as your needs are being met, but then discard when it’s no longer fulfilling your desires for happiness. The essence of marriage is a sacrificial commitment for the good of the other. Pastor and author Tim Keller, defines covenant as “…a deep, exclusive, permanent, legal and personal binding commitment that two people make to each other.” Covenant means that love is more fundamentally an action based on commitment than an emotion. That doesn’t mean that marriage is merely a social or legal arrangement, void of any deep heart felt affection and feeling. In covenant, we see how God brings together both feeling and duty, passion and promise.  We shouldn’t disparage the need and importance for our commitment in marriage to be expressed in a legal binding contract. But how sad if we allow a legal document to be the extent of our commitment to our marriage partner. Much more could be said on this point, but I’ll leave you to Tim Keller’s excellent book, The Meaning of Marriage, in which he argues so clearly why the marriage commitment is a covenant relationship.

Marriage expert and researcher, John Gottman, says a committed relationship is a contract that two people make to give each other mutual trust, respect, nurturance, and protection. Anything that violates that agreement can become traitorous. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, he identifies seven key principles that make up what he calls the Sound Relationship House. As you can see from the illustration below, it’s the critical components of commitment and trust, which form the house’s protective, weight-bearing walls.

Commitment means that we close the door to any form of betrayal in the relationship

Gottman’s extensive research reveals that a true lasting commitment is based on the couple’s ability to make a deep emotional connection. At the positive end of the spectrum of a strong commitment are couples who:
1) Assume the best about each other and their relationship.
2) They are able to acknowledge each other’s perspective, at least to some extent, even when they strongly disagree.
3) They report feeling distressed when the other seems unhappy or hurt.
4) Their happiness is contingent on their partner’s feelings.
5) They are attuned to each other’s emotions, share an abiding empathy, and have a high degree of trust.

Conversely, at the other end of the commitment spectrum are couples who struggle with making a strong emotional connection with each other.
1) They demonstrate a lack of mutual understanding or faith in their relationship.
2) One spouse’s moods is unable or unwilling to connect to their partner’s emotions.
3) They assume the worst about each other to the extent they become trapped in an absorbing state of negativity.
4) Trust begins to evaporate which opens the door for betrayal

As noted, there are many positive aspects to what it means to be committed, but commitment also means that we close the door to any form of betrayal in the relationship. We tend to think of infidelity primarily in sexual terms, but an extramarital affair is only one type of disloyalty that threatens a marriage. Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.” Nonsexual betrayals can destroy a relationship as thoroughly as a sexual affair. Other forms of betrayal include being emotionally distant, siding with a parent against one’s mate, disrespecting the partner, and breaking significant promises. The truth is that most of us are guilty of some form of unfaithfulness from time to time. But when either spouse consistently undermines the marriage commitment, danger follows. In fact, Gottman’s research in his Seattle Love Lab found that some form of betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship. Here are three subtle forms of betrayal that undermine commitment and have a devastating impact on the marriage.

First, not revealing your true needs to avoid unpleasant conflict:

Unfortunately this happens often in marriage, where at least one spouse chooses not to be honest with their partner because they fear the unwanted consequences. In many cases the fear is dismissed by convincing oneself that honesty on their part is only being selfish and demanding.  To be sure, being selfish or demanding are extremely harmful to a marriage. However, asking our partner for what we need and desire is not being selfish; it’s being honest. When we choose not to be completely forthright in what we need and desire, we are deceiving ourselves and our spouse and not allowing the marriage to be what God intended; a relationship of mutual trust and commitment. The “unwanted consequences” that we are so often afraid of are actually the means to a healthy relationship. Only when spouses are truly honest with each other does it create the opportunity for needed change and growth in the relationship.

Second, remaining emotionally distant and unavailable to your partner’s bids for connection:

In a committed relationship, partners constantly ask each other in words and actions for support and understanding. Gottman’s research has called these requests “bids for connection.” They can be as simple as “Could you pour me another cup of coffee?” or as meaningful as “I need you,” after a really bad day at work. Most of our bids are not obvious and as a result, they often get missed, ignored, or misinterpreted. One partner might say, “Let’s do something fun today” hoping the other will respond with some ideas of how to spend time together. But the partner, distracted or just half-listening, says, “I’m too busy right now.”

The point is, every bid made in a relationship creates an opportunity for connection. When one partner expresses a need for connection, the other’s response is either to move toward their partner, or turn away. Any response that doesn’t demonstrate interest misses the opportunity for connection. Every marriage is full of missed opportunities and even the best of couples experience times when they fail to respond to their partner’s bid for connection. Sometimes the partner is too tired or just preoccupied.  Often, we interpret our partner’s bid to be so trivial that we think our response, or lack of one, is unimportant. Missing the opportunity of a minor bid doesn’t necessarily damage the relationship. But when one partner consistently fails or refuses to respond to their partner’s bid for connection, it indicates a serious problem in their commitment on an emotional level, and signals pending danger for the marriage. Over time, one partner or both begin to wonder: Do they even care, or is someone or something else more important? Is my partner truly committed to me? Can I risk continuing to trust?

Commitment in marriage means that we pay attention to our partners bid for connection and we learn to respond in loving ways.  Gottman calls these moments “turning towards” each other to build connection. Couples who learn the importance of connecting on this level are practicing the power of “attunement” and build deep mutual trust in the relationship.

Third, making negative comparisons:

Negative comparisons are at the root of every sexual affair, but they also exist in nonsexual betrayals. When commitment wanes and trust begins to evaporate, partners find themselves in that dangerous place of making negative comparisons. Overtime, when one or both spouses have failed at their attempts to connect, they don’t just turn away; they start comparing their partner to someone else, real or imaginary—and their partner always loses. When one partner comes up short in comparison with another; the disgruntled spouse, even if they don’t cheat, begins to devalue the relationship and often expresses disrespect toward their partner. Sometimes, the partner compares the other in unfavorable ways to a situation rather than a person. (If only I had not quit school in order to get married, everything in my life would be better.)

In his book, What Makes Love Last, John Gottman calls these unfavorable comparisons, Negative COMPS, and while they may lead to one or both partners having an affair, for many couples these betrayals doom the marriage to a painful and dismal co-existence. Sometimes both partners are aware that one is making negative COMPs, but neither acknowledges nor recognizes the danger. They figure that no one is ever completely satisfied with their life. So, the disloyalty doesn’t seem “as bad as” an affair. But it is. Is there a way to recover from Negative COMPS? The answer is ‘yes,’ and it begins with a renewed commitment to respect, cherish and appreciate your partner and the marriage! Remember, Negative Comps begin wherever there is conditional commitment. Addressing the pain and disappointment of failed attempts to connect is never easy. But pursuing the hard work of building a strong emotional connection is rewarding and it safeguards the marriage.

Family gatherings at Christmas are intended to be wonderful occasions, but rarely are they stress-free. In particular, getting together with the in-laws on the holidays can be the cause of great anxiety, especially for young married couples. Learning how to navigate and adjust to the different traditions, values and personalities of our spouses family can be a challenge.

Every marriage, even the very happy and stable ones, must learn to cope with typical marital problems. Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman says that problems with in-laws is one of the most frequent hot button issues in marriage and we shouldn’t be surprised if it gets triggered at this time of the year.

Although every relationship is different, Dr. Gottman explains “there’s a reason why conflict with the in-laws is so common: it touches upon one of marriage’s most important tasks: Establishing and maintaining the sense of “we-ness” (see The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman).” The Bible calls this oneness, and creating, maintaining, and guarding it, is one of the most important keys to a successful marriage (Genesis 2:24; Ephesians 5:31). How do we create this sense of “we-ness” in our marriage in the hustle and bustle of the Holidays? Here are four important things to remember this Christmas.

1. Always choose to put your spouse first!

Marriage is a priority-one relationship. Which means our relationship with our spouse should take precedence over all other earthly relationships. While many couples agree in theory, some fail to be intentional in establishing this sense of priority especially when it comes to their own family. While traditionally it’s the husband who gets credit for telling mother-in-law jokes, in many cases, the real family tension is between the wife and her mother-in-law. This conflict usually surfaces early in a marriage, but in-law difficulties can erupt at many other times throughout the course of the marriage.  Often it’s the holiday gatherings that become the flashpoint for reigniting this tension.

It’s understood that daughter-in-law and mother-in-law are going to differ in all sorts of ways, but differences aside, at the core of the conflict is a battle between the two for the husband’s love. The wife wants to know that she comes first in her husband’s heart, and she watches to see if her husband backs her or his mother. She is wondering, Which family is more important? Often the mother is asking the same question.

Dr. Gottman says when conflict erupts between the wife and mother-in-law, the only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife and loving communicate to his mother that his wife comes first in his love, loyalty and respect. While this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife. It is absolutely essential for the marriage that the husband be firm about this, even if he feels unfairly put upon and even if his mother struggles to accept the new reality.

2. Get on the same page emotionally

To be sure, conflict with the in-laws is difficult whether you are the daughter-in-law or son-in-law. But usually the other spouse feels caught in the middle. For the husband, he just wishes his wife and mother could get along better. He undoubtedly feels a deep sense of love, loyalty and respect for them both and does not want to have to choose between the two. Unfortunately, this attitude often forces him into the role of either trying to mediate between the two, or even worse, denying that any problem exists at all. When one spouse fails to validate his or her partner’s experience and tries to minimize the impact, it undermines trust in the relationship and opens the door for the offended partner to feel betrayed in the marriage.

How important it is for both partners in the marriage to validate each other’s experience especially when it comes to interaction with their in-laws. While our partner’s experience may be very different than ours, it is nonetheless their reality and therefore worthy of our validation. Validation is not based on reaching agreement over objective facts. It is the understanding that our partner is entitled to their own experience and we choose to support them even when our experience may be very different.

Validation requires some emotional “heavy lifting” from each partner. We all agree with the notion that a good marriage takes work. But what specifically does this mean? John Gottman says; “Every marriage is faced with certain emotional tasks that spouses need to accomplish together for the marriage to grow and deepen.”  Gottman goes on to explain, “when there’s conflict with the in-laws, it’s because you and your spouse have different ideas about the task, it’s importance, or how it should be accomplished” (The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work, by John Gottman). Learning to validate each other’s experience in conflict, is a key component of the task of building “we-ness.”  It doesn’t resolve the conflict, but it allows both husband and wife to get on the same page emotionally, so they can work together to develop a strategy of moving toward oneness in the marriage.

3. Do not tolerate any criticism or contempt toward your spouse from your parents

Contempt and criticism not only ruin a family dinner, they destroy relationships. Every couple must guard against their intrusion, not only in the marriage, but also in the broader family circle. Criticism attacks the character of the person and contempt demeans their dignity. Many times, these destructive forces come in the form of subtle putdowns, cynicism, mockery, eye rolling or sarcastic humor. Whatever form they take, they must be addressed.

This is not to suggest that we should do anything that might demean and dishonor our parents or go against our basic values. We should never compromise what it means to be Christ-like in any situation. But both husband and wife must learn to stand with each other and not in the middle when one becomes the target of criticism or contempt.

4. Agree on a plan of action before the holidays arrive

Addressing conflict in families is never an easy task, but having a plan always helps. If there is a history of family conflict surrounding the holidays, then decide ahead of time how you are going to navigate the problem. Building and maintaining a strong sense of ‘we-ness’ through the holidays requires open communication between you and your partner. Family, and marriage therapist, Liz Higgens offers the following suggestions for communicating with your spouse about the holidays.

• Find the right time to share with your partner the things you are anxious about and ask how you both can have more constructive conversations around the issue that will bring you closer.
• Look for opportunities where you can really share what you’re thinking and feeling with your spouse. These seemingly small moments are actually huge opportunities that can make or break your connection throughout this stressful season.
• Let your partner know the non-negotiable boundaries you may have about the things you are uncomfortable talking about or doing at family gatherings. Make sure you are both on the same page and ready to support one another.
• Remember, this is your spouse’s family and they may have a different perspective of them than you. It’s normal for couples to have to adjust to each other’s feelings about their parents. Maintaining respect and open communication throughout this process, is a win-win for both of you.
• Finally, discuss ways in which you can establish your own family rituals when it comes to celebrating the holidays and insist that your in-laws respect them. Establishing your own family ritual creates shared meaning and builds a strong sense of “we-ness.

Gospel commitments must go beyond core beliefs and become core practices.  Robert Cheong author of God Redeeming His Bride says; “…God calls you to live out the gospel in authentic community and engage in His mission.”  Cheong goes on to identify four key components of what it means to engage in the everyday gospel mission we are all called to;

• Loving God and one another
• Engaging one another with the gospel
• Fighting for one another in suffering and sin
• Forgiving and reconciling with one another

I probably don’t have to convince you of the ‘rightness’ of each of these truths.  They should resonate powerfully with our understanding of how God wants us to live in relationship with each other.    But the reality is, we often fail to practice these gospel truths with our marriage partner.  We can forget that the most basic form of Christian community is the relationship between a husband and wife.   Why is that so?  Perhaps it’s the closeness, or the intensity of the relationship that causes us to struggle.    When emotions run high and disappointment runs deep we can excuse ourselves from stewarding our hearts with a gospel perspective. Let me encourage you to embrace the everyday gospel mission with your lifelong partner. More